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Angels walk this earth

Just currently sitting at my desk, Vanilla candle burning, heart crystals next to me, the sun is shining in and I have my sliding door open and can feel a slight breeze coming in. Both my dogs are in their usual spots ... Barbs my Maltese X Shitzu is sleeping by my feet and Melibu my German Spitz is on guard at the door ... I feel safe in this spot, almost untouchable ... connected to the universe in this very spot with just a view of earth. I feel like I'm drifting in between dimensions and I'm able to see it all clearly ... for what it is and for what it was. How are you all doing? How are you feeling after the last blog? I know for many it was very relatable but for some completely foreign. I knew today we needed to continue the story, I know your eager to hear more of how I ended up here. Thank you for everyone who continues to return, returning from your heart and holding me safely while I unpack this stuff ... I know its not easy to read and it would be easier to turn a blind eye on these topics so I thank you for continuing to be present ... helping me stand in my power. I've had lots of woman I went to school with reach out after the last blog and offer their love and understanding of who I was once was and this has been so healing! I will never excuse my past behavior but its beautiful when we can all come together to understand the behavior and mend this and move forward. I promise you I am not her anymore. As always please tread carefully as my writing has many potential triggers surrounding sexual abuse, drug use and self - harm. This blog may be hard to read but as always I leave my words unedited ... they come as they are meant to be heard. So last time we left off in a pretty heavy spot ... I was not in a good way ... my Dad had just kicked me out because I wouldn't have sex with him and my Mum wasn't believing me. My life had just been saved by some angels and I often wonder what I did to deserve that moment. Disclaimer: This period of my life is a big blur - as you can imagine. Its hard for me to keep an accurate timeline so you may find I jump back and forth, because as I unpack this to you.. its also been along time since I've unpacked it for me. So sometime after I was kicked out of my Dad's I went back to my Mums who was now living with my Grandmother. Mum and I were really disconnected and I felt so lost and so angry at the world. I began to become reckless and violent. I would put myself in situations with gangs, drugs and I never feared anything or anyone because simply I just didn't care what happened to me. I was still attending school kind of when I would but I wasn't present. I would bully people, be nasty and start physical fights for no reason. I've spent this morning reflecting back on this stage ... maybe I was trying to regain control? Trying to be tough? I'm still not 100% sure but I do know I felt like a lost soul, just floating through life. I just felt completely worthless but I didn't once ask for help, I didn't want to show any weakness. My Dad had been caught with his drugs, he was going to jail. He was awaiting trial but he was defiantly going away ... so he asked my Mum to move in and take care of things. So just like that we were moving back to Dads. Can you believe how ironic this is ... literally history repeating itself. Although Dad wasn't going to be in the house he was going to be next door at his Tinny house ... yap right next door. I was to move back into my old room and just pretend like nothing happened. Deja Vu alright. I became even more angry ... but behind this anger was hurt, I felt powerless, I was such a naughty kid so who would believe me. My social worker did but her hands were tied. I always wonder about her, Jo her name was. What an absolute angel she was. I bet I gave her many sleepless nights. One time actually she was out for dinner with her family and she found me drunk and incoherent outside south city by myself, she stopped and checked on me. This woman truly had me in her heart just one of the many angels who popped up along my journey but their hands were always tied. Here is another side track off the story I was actually in care of the state, I was meant to be in CYFS care, they had guardianship of me. I was legally signed over to them when I was 13 and I ran away from my second family home and no-one ever took me back. Sometimes I think it was probably a blessing, I suppose either way I was gonna experience trauma. Maybe it would have been easier by hands of people who weren't my family? Anyway the funniest part of this story is that I visited my social worker weekly, in their office and not once did they take me back. I received a letter at 17 and a half to say they were releasing guardianship of me since I would almost be 18 (insert a million laughing faces). The system truly is fucked. Anyway so Mum moved into Dad's and off I went with her, I lasted a couple of days I remember Christmas in the park or something was on and I was going, I decided I was gonna ask my Dad for money ... I thought fuck it, I may aswell surely I'm entitled to this after our recent ordeal. My Dad declined and tried telling me I wasn't leaving the house, I told him to get fucked and he had no right, he wasn't my Dad anymore. I packed a duffle bag and left. You see Dad saw his opportunity, this was just more evidence to prove I was a liar and my Mum believed it and honestly I don't blame her the way it played out just made me look like a troubled teen, and troubled that I was. My friend who I spoke of in the last blog who saved me, they saved me again. Her Mum decided I was to live with them. This is the first adult to ever fight for me, fight for my rights and believe me. She never once doubted me. My Mum made it difficult although she couldn't force me to come home because I was in care of the state, she wouldn't sign these papers so this amazing woman Allison could receive financial support for me. So Allison for quite awhile who was a single mother to three daughters, paid for me, supported me financially. Clothes, school, lunch everything you name it this woman literally gave me the exact same as her daughters. I began to let my walls down slightly, I was beginning to feel stable. I was going to school, I had a part time job nd for the most part I stuck to her rules, I respected them, I was always home by the last bus. I even eventually got my own room at her house, one of her daughters moved out to go flatting and I had my very own room. She let me decorate it, brought me furniture and I felt at home. Allison supported me through my anger and trust issues, she worked with me with a social worker weekly to unpack things and she never forced me to be who I wasn't. I struggled to give and recieve affection and Allison was patient and gentle, we even had a code word for hug so it didn't trigger me. If she wanted to hug me or I felt like I would need one we would say "Banana"! Can I have a Banana she would ask me ... at the time I didn't realsie how powerful and nurturing this was. I began to allow someone in and to touch me. I was safe. They also had a set of mini teddy bears that represented their family, one for each member sitting on this little bench on the kitchen window sill and eventually I got my own (he's the wee bear at the top I still have him now). I had a family. I was worthy. I was loved. Wouldn't this be the happy ending that we would hope for, well unfortunately it wasn't. I'm not sure of how long I lived with them I wanna say like 6 months but Mum and Dad just couldn't let me go. I hadn't spoken to Mum in months by this stage and Dad was in jail but by CYFS protocols a family group conference was to be held to decide what was to happen to me. I find it heartbreaking that they really did this, I was so settled. Anyway long story short Mum didn't want me there and Dad on a speaker phone from jail also didn't and threatened Allison and her family. Because of who my Dad was and the connections he had the police warned her that there could be a real threat and just like that my whole path changed again. To protect herself and her daughters she had to ask me to leave, I could tell she was heartbroken, in a hard place. I don't blame her, Dad was scary and I was finally seeing him for what he was. I'm always thankful though to have the experience of someone advocating for me, fighting for me, believing in me, attending therapy with me and just loving me. I always wonder if she knows the real impact of just her warm presence in my life, she showed me that not everyone was evil. She also showed me what a family was supposed to be and what unconditional love felt like. I'll forever be grateful for this experience and for saving the life of this broken little girl who just wanted stability and love. After I left Allison's I floated, I was homeless. I went between friends houses, gang houses and Mum's for a wee while. I was in a fucked up place. I was sleeping around, fighting people and taking any drug I could get my hands on all before I was even 17. My drug of choice was Meth, god she made me feel good, numb, free, invincible and carefree. Through much of this time I began to really disconnect from all my childhood friends. I don't blame them we were all kids and no-one knew the extent of what I was going through. I always looked like I was having fun, but on the inside I felt so numb. For many years I didn't know what happiness felt like, I didn't know what was to become of me. Around this time Mum started working with Pillars and getting on top of her Depression and just basically sorting her life out but it was too late, I hated her. I really resented her. It took her 18 years of my life and now she wanted to come and fix me, put all these rules in place and confine me. It just pushed me more and more into self destruction. I'm sure you can tell there is many stories hidden between these lines, but for now they seem irrelevant to say out loud because I think you can just feel what I was doing and where my head was at. I did at times try to get better, I actually put myself in rehab. I didn't wanna smoke Meth anymore. I wanted help and so I got it and I got clean... you might be thinking well how does this tie in with your Dad what happened there? Was that the end? Unfortunately not. So after being clean for awhile I was living with a friend, she took me in and ill leave all the other bullshit out and just cut straight to the point. I slept with her partner, I don't really remember much of it I was so drunk, but no excuses ... I did it. The one and only time in my life and I felt so guilty that I seen no other option but to move to Hastings and live my Dad ... eeek yes I know. Why Mel? Believe me I ask myself this question all the time ... but you see the real me has always been a good person, my heart is good and when I did this, the guilt I felt was so unbearable. I felt disgusting and in a way maybe I felt like I needed a punishment worthy. So off I jetted to Hastings, against Mums will. I moved in with my Dad, Dad was not sober anymore and had more children that I didn't know about but I was happy to be with them. I spent a lot of time with my younger siblings and I just loved them so much. Soooo ... here we are .... in Hastings .... my place of birth but not my home. I don't know anyone here, not even my family. I am a fish out of water. Dad is not sober and I know as soon as I step foot down that this was a bad mistake. Maybe one week of being their I woke up to my drunk Dad trying to hop into bed with me ... yap here I go again just dropping the info right in but I really don't know how to sugar coat it because it was just so fucked up! This happened multiple times, like I cant even count. One night I kept moving to different beds only to find him trying to hop into my bed again. Now I really put myself in this situation, the guilt of sleeping with my friends boyfriend put me in the house of a rapist again by choice. Nothing ever happened guys don't worry thank god but I had a safety plan in my head, I had literally planned out that if he did I wouldn't fight back, I would go straight to Woman's refuge the next day and stay there. I had made a safety exit plan incase my Dad raped me. I know ... writing that I now realize how horrific that is. I always forget how fucked this is because I always go oh well at least he didn't physically touch me I'd be way more messed up but I honestly think even this is just as bad. Anyway I was so alone there, because of my age and living with a parent, I wasn't getting much of a benefit, my Dad was keeping all the money and I was left like $50 a week. Dad actually moved out and in with a girlfriend and I was left to my own devices thank goodness. I had no contact with my family which is nuts thinking majority of them lived in Hastings and my Mum wouldn't fly me back to Christchurch because I got myself there so I could get myself back. I thought about sex work but then the idea of how small Hastings is played on my mind, how would I know who I'm related too ... would I be safe? And I decided not too. I ended up saving all my money over about 5 weeks, I lived off a bag of sausages literally a sausage a day in bread and i ended up catching a bus from Hastings to Wellington, where I waited 8 hours for a flight to Christchurch and even then Mum wouldn't pick me up from the airport to really let the lesson sink in lol and that it did. My only pain on leaving Hastings was not for that of my Dad it was easier leaving this time, I really knew he wasn't good but my siblings gosh they were amazing and my heart just hurts thinking of them and what they endured living with him. I'm gonna pause here ... although I've only lightly brushed over these major events in my life, it may even feel like I downplayed them ... I suppose I kind of did. You can really see there was a lot going on through 'this crucial age'. I had major trust issues and no grounding. I didn't know what home was, stability, I absolutely craved what I had experienced with Allison and I was jealous man of all my friends. I had such a chip on my shoulder, I became not only resentful to Mum but now it was to the whole world and this when the drugs and sex work really stepped in ... after I got back from Hastings. But who can blame that girl, she was hurting and she seen no other options although there was plenty, she had no trust, she walked with shame, she was so ungrounded, she felt lost and she shut off to everyone and everything. She became good at lying, pretending her life was amazing, she supported everyone around her but never let a soul in. I went in and out of stages of seeing therapists my whole life for as long as I can remember ... but nothing ever fixed this ... but even now I'm like that is a lot when I write it down ... man I went through a lot. No wonder I'm insecure, no wonder I'm so driven, no wonder I can't trust and no wonder I'm so empathetic. The craziest thing is that I wouldn't change anything I endured because I know if even one of those events were skipped out I may not be here today. I am so grateful for the strength I have and the hard work that I have done and still do to heal ... it would be much easier to stay bitter .. I was there for many years that feeling is easy, she's comforting, she shields you but coming from a forgiving and understanding place she is raw and hard, you have to feel and remember things that you don't want too and sometimes you have to forgive others even when they don't deserve it. Not for them but for you. Believe it or not this still isn't the end ... there is still more to unpack ... next time I will discuss the effects that all this trauma from my Dad had on my cultural connection, I became racist .... I will also speak on how we tried to hold him accountable and reconnecting with my sister. I would like to reassure that I am in such a good place with Mum, I know the way I write about her at times is quite blunt but these are the feelings I felt at that time, I've moved through all this worth her and come from a place of love and understanding now, no-one knows how to act in these situations especially when you have your own stuff going on ... she did all she knew at that time and I'm proud of who she is now. Thank you for continuing to read and allowing me to stop when I need too ... I know this one was a bit all over the show, jumbled words but this is exactly them raw and authentic straight from my brain to the keyboard. I don't ever wanna go through and start trying to change the way they sound because then its not real, its not my feelings. SO thank you for reading my literal thoughts as they come, my memories, you are literally holding me while I'll heal ... just think how magical that is ... YOU by reading my blog is holding me ... you are supporting me ... your helping me tell my truth and be heard. I also hope that people may find things relatable, maybe things you've done because of how you felt about yourself after traumatic events and you feel guilty, i hope you realize that it doesn't make you a bad person ... you can forgive yourself. We can heal. We can be whoever we want to be at anytime. You can literally decide right now that your past is no longer you ... you acknowledge it but you let it go. Then you get to create whoever you want to be. Mel xx

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